A confession (More or less bitching)

Many people really don't know the reasoning's behind me doing certain things. Hell, most of the time, through all the spontaneous actions and somewhat awkward desire to do these things, I don't even know my own reason. However, someone finally stopped me the other day, dead in my path of doing something for someone and asked me, "Samantha, why are you doing this? What will you gain?" My only answer to it was, "I don't know."

I'm nine times out of ten more than willing to drop whatever I am doing at the present time and go off and help someone in need. I am usually willing to push everything I do for myself to the back of the line in order to help someone else. The other thing is, they usually don't ask for my help, I just know that I can help them and therefore, I do. I'm starting to think that my whole mentality of, "Well, hopefully someone will come and help me when I need it" is truly a false fixation of my own hope.

I've started to go back and look at how differently I was when I was younger compared to now. When I was younger, like 13, I didn't give a damn about anyone and nobody cared about me either. Other than the people who were unbelievably close to me, which I may add, were few and far between. I was never pushed around, I was never taken advantage of and I never really felt that bad. Now, I strive on helping people and the sick thing is, most people aren't even grateful anymore.

I know that some people are grateful and those people I would usualy help out on the drop of a dime, but I'm just starting to come to my own rational decision that I am never going to get anything back out of this. I mean, I was promised time after time after time that I what I did for someone would be appreciated or returned, it never happened. Its ruined relationships, its ruined friendships and I don't think I'm prepared to keep lending my hand out to people all the time. Especially people who aren't grateful for it.

So now, here is my confession. I'm tired of putting myself to the back of the line. Everything I do now will be for me and benefit me in some way. Of course, I'll still do some things, but damn it, I'm making myself happy. This whole previous summer I hid away to make everyone else happy (which also added a lot of stress knowning all the crap that was going on) so I say fuck that, I'm not doing that anymore. I'm tired of making everyone else happy and dealing with whatever I can salvage from it. I'm tired of people walking all over me knowing that everything will be okay in the end. Things happened this summer that I had bite my tounge and say, yeah, sure its alright. Or I had to just go off and do other things and it still didn't help my situation any.
Yadi, yadi, yada....
and I'm spent.
Basically, I'm being selfish from now on and if you have a problem with it, guess what!!?! I don't care anymore. =) Thank you, have a nice day.

Gah, had to get that off my chest.